I’ve never enjoyed my birthday – nor the idea that we should celebrate a person just for having been pushed into the world. This year, with all the death and disease in the news and in our lives, my anxiety has been THROUGH THE ROOF. Wife and I have each dealt with panic attacks to varying degrees over the last year or so. I’ve had a lot of trouble recently even driving or riding in the car.
One of the things I struggle with most is ‘catastrophizing’ in my thought process. To help deal with this, my therapist suggested I write out the thoughts racing through my mind and self-assess how realistic they are. So, let’s ‘sanity check’ some of my thinking:
- I’m afraid I’m having a heart attack
- I’m afraid I’ll die and leave my kids maladaptive (and leave my wife with a terrible burden)
- I’m afraid my wife will die
- I’m afraid I’m a hypocondriac. What if I go to the hospital and I don’t need it?
- I’m afraid I’ll have a heart attack while driving and not be able to safely stop the car (with my kids inside)
- What if tonight’s the night I go to sleep but I don’t wake up in the morning?
- I’m afraid I’ll be a burden on my family if I am battling anxiety.
- I’m afraid I’ll be like this forever; that I’m broken.
Obviously, none of these are totally true statements, but they have some basis in reality. For example, I’ve known people who’ve gone to sleep and haven’t woke up and we have a close friend who’s husband died and left a wife and daughter. In my mind, these thoughts FEEL to be upwards of 80% real, but by observable metrics, are probably significantly less likely to happen to me. I’ve been to heart doctors and had checkups. The overwhelming evidence suggests that I’m still a relatively young, healthy person.
Still, how does a person know when they BEGIN having larger issues? My Dad’s cancer grew from a few cells into a large mass. Surely there were signs leading up to the point where it was obvious he was having an issue. This grey area is where I have the most trouble being rational. For now, I have to remind myself that most issues can go YEARS after initial symptoms arise before those things cause death. With the exception of some novel viruses and catastrophic trauma, human bodies are pretty resilient.
Besides that, how much control do I really have over these things and how much time do I really need? My youngest is turning 5 so I need to be around just more than a decade. The last 10 years went by pretty fast. I can probably make it that long.
