This is the beginning to how Will and Jasmine first meet. It feels forced. I don’t like how dumbfounded she gets. Jasmine is smart and confident. She may get thrown off balance, but she should be able to bounce back. it’s the first time in a while that I’ve written anything like this. If I do this every few days, I should start getting better.
Jasmine was lounging on a couch. Nothing felt quite as comfortable as taking in a novel while enjoying a fresh cup of coffee. Sitting in the local coffee shop, she looked up from her book to find her coffee mug. As she did so, she noticed a man ordering at the bar. She eyed him for a moment, feeling as though she had met him before. Long ago, it felt, in another time and place.
“This feeling can’t be real,” she thought. Jasmine was a practical woman; she wouldn’t let weird, surreal feelings control her. “And yet, he is an attractive man.”
“I’m shouldn’t let him get away. Maybe just talking with him will get these feelings to go away.”
Jasmine set her novel down, grabbed her coffee mug, and walked over to the counter. While the barista was busy making the mystery man’s order, he was leaning toward the muffin case. Jasmine tried to think of just the right way to get started.
Without warning, the mystery man turned his head toward Jasmine, “What do you think of these blueberry muffins?” He pointed into the case at a large muffin bursting with deep blue.
His hazel eyes seemed to look straight through her. Startled, Jasmine had trouble creating a coherent sentence, “Uh, they’re good; full of flavor.”
“Could I get one of these?” he asks the barista, “What are you having?”
Jasmine was startled again, “Uh, a macchiato.”
It feels like you are rushing the scene. Try describing more mayhaps? You’re describing the actions, but how do they affect the characters – are there butterflies in her stomach? What caused her to look up from her book, or caused her to notice the man? is it sunny? rainy? How would that set the mood/atmosphere?
No offense intended, just trying to give some helpful ideas.
Not officially. I just had a strong interest in continuing with this story. I love to see/create new worlds.
uh oh – i immediately felt the needs to comment
a) when she is thinking to herself, ITALIZE to establish she isn’t talking outloud to herself in public.
b) the word “bar” threw my off, I started thinking is this like a diner or resturant or…although the “bar” is the same, possibly refer to it as “counter” because it established a better coherent image for the reader
c) i can totally tell u wrote when i realized sounded like you; for instance, ‘she wouldn’t let weird, surreal feelings control her’ omg i dont know if anyone else in the world things or talks in that manner, but it totally made me think of you and giggle
d) i luv you, i assume you aren’t offend i comment, LOL
e) you know what a barista is!??!?
this. sounds. like. a. robot.
speaking of writing, I have an article being published in Northern Horizons in like a week, want me to send the pdf’s of the pages?