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8yo want to contact grandma we cut off

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Originally posted on r/absentgrandparents with 23 upvotes and 27 comments

For context: We had to cut off my mother several years ago after my father died because she is incredibly toxic to my wife (making backhanded insults and never apologizing even when we call them out directly). I even tried talking with Mom directly, one on one, and telling her that any trusted friend, pastor, or therapist could look over our text messages and give her advice on how to move forward. She told me directly that she wouldn’t do that.

Recently, my 8yo daughter has been asking to see this grandma and wife and I are having a hard time explaining the situation to her. When it first started, we said that we had to “put grandma in time out because she was being mean to momma and wouldn’t apologize.” Now that she’s older this doesn’t satisfy her and she’s starting to get into “fix it” mode where she says, “I will call grandma and explain that she needs to say sorry.” I’ve told her I tried to do this but I’m not sure if she believes me. My daughter hasn’t figured out how to call my mother yet, but she’s pretty tech savvy and I think she could do this without our knowing if she had enough ambition. My wife also feels like any further communication with my mother without an apology constitutes me choosing my mother over my wife and I’m not sure how she would take it if my daughter secretly contacted grandma.

Has anyone else been through this and have advice on how to navigate it? When my mother inevitably dies, I don’t want my daughter to be resentful that she didn’t get to spend time with grandma, but I also am fully behind my wife in thinking that she deserves an apology for the shitty behavior of my mother. I’m trying to balance the needs of my wife and the desire of my (soon to be teenage) daughter.

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William Davenport

9 responses to “8yo want to contact grandma we cut off”

  1. Apprehensive_Air8181 Avatar
    Apprehensive_Air8181

    I totally understand how tough and emotionally complex this is. You’re doing your best to support your wife and protect your family, and that’s admirable. At the same time, your daughter is growing older and starting to form her own questions and emotional needs — and she might eventually feel hurt or resentful if she never got a chance to know her grandmother.

    It might be worth considering letting go of the need for an apology — not because your wife doesn’t deserve one, but because someone has to take the first step if there’s ever going to be healing. People can change, especially over the course of years. Maybe your mom hasn’t yet, but maybe there’s room for growth or softening — especially if she realizes what she’s missing out on.

    That doesn’t mean letting her back in fully and unconditionally. It could just be a carefully controlled, low-stakes interaction (like a short call or letter), with boundaries clearly in place. It might be a way to protect your daughter from secret communication while still honoring your wife’s experiences and needs.

    Just a thought from someone who knows these situations are never black and white. You’re trying to hold a lot together — and that really shows.

  2. Lurkerque Avatar
    Lurkerque

    You both need to start being more honest with your daughter. Telling your daughter that grandma was in a timeout is okay for a six year old, but as she gets older, you need to tell her the truth. Grandma is not a nice person and we are not obligated to have bad people in our lives.

    My kids (9 and 14) know that we have chosen to limit our exposure to their grandparents. They have been told that their grandparents are homophobes, bigots, misogynists and racists. They have been told that grandpa is an alcoholic and that grandma is a liar.

    They have been told that grandma used to hurt mom on a regular basis and now it’s dad’s job to protect all of us from them.

    Tell your daughter the truth – that you will never put mom in a position to be hurt by grandma again. Then slowly, over time, let your wife tell your daughter what grandma said and did to her.

    Your daughter isn’t empathetic now because she doesn’t understand the truth.

    1. Apprehensive_Buy1221 Avatar
      Apprehensive_Buy1221

      Yes, children need to know the truth of why parents will not have a relationship with any abusive unrepentant unreasonable relatives.

      Hiding the issue protects and gives the benefit of the doubt to those relatives who will not hesitate to exploit it.

      Abusive people want access and permission to indulge thier entitlement.

      When this is taken away they will strike out with manipulation, claiming they have been maliciously maligned.

      You must prepare and educate your daughter on how to see through their grandparents’ facade

      It is necessary to unmask abusers to teach a child they deserve better than believing one must accept abusive behavior to maintain a relationship.

  3. OK_Mango_6887 Avatar
    OK_Mango_6887

    Your kid doesn’t need to get in the middle of this adult thing – that said if your mom can’t treat your wife (the bringer of life) right, she shouldn’t get any access to your kids.

    She’s not trustworthy – she should be supervised at all times. I wouldn’t allow this at all.

    Trust me – there was a lot of “grandmas rules for grandmas house” stuff that deliberately crossed what we allowed. No worries if it’s extra ice cream or something silly. Big worries if it’s unsupervised internet or cable TV (back then we worried about different things) .

    Back your wife. Always. She’s your family now.

    Your tween daughter is I’m sure smart enough to figure out more than “grandma was mean to mom and won’t apologize”. Give her more info and she won’t resent you, she may resent your mom. That’s okay.

    Good luck OP.

    1. TemporaryOwn5003 Avatar
      TemporaryOwn5003

      This entire comment is so toxic. Wife doesn’t get to make all the calls because she’s “the bringer of life” because By that reasoning then OPs wife she bow down to MIL because she is also “a bringer of life” absolutely not. They are BOTH parents with equal say in what happens with their kids. Wife doesn’t have more say because she’s gave birth. Bottom line is MOL can not have a good relationship with wife but still be an amazing grandmother just like wife can not like MIL but still love OP. Denying a child her grandmother over some backhanded compliments, to me, is not ever a good idea. It’s so interesting to me that we get an extremely biased, one sided retelling of events and there’s never any critical thinking it’s always DOWN WITH THE MIL!

  4. TemporaryOwn5003 Avatar
    TemporaryOwn5003

    I think that your daughter’s relationship with her grandmother is separate from you and your wife’s relationship with your mother. She can love her granddaughter without loving your wife just like your wife can love you without loving your mother. Keeping her away just because she doesn’t get along with your wife isn’t great. I think you should open the door to a relationship between your daughter and her grandmother and just keep an eye on it and let it develop from there

    1. William Davenport Avatar
      William Davenport

      How could we do this and make sure my mother doesnt manipulate my daughter against my wife and I?

      1. TemporaryOwn5003 Avatar
        TemporaryOwn5003

        Seriously?! Oh I don’t know you talk to your daughter? Also you never indicated that your mothers “manipulative”. you said she gave your wife backhanded compliments and didn’t apologize. There’s a big difference in someone talking badly about you to your face and being manipulative. JS

  5. Anonymous Avatar
    Anonymous

    i was like your 8 year old. my maternal grandparents and extended family have not seen me since i was 6 weeks old and have never met my sibling.

    you’re on the right track if your child can come to you with any questions though! my mum used to get so angry with me when i asked questions and shut off and i learned not to ask very early on, which really messed me up.

    just some advice for either now or later (whenever you allow your children to have access to social media) is obviously heavily monitor it, and if they have social media block it for them straight away on their device and explain why (age appropriately of course).

    i had largely unfiltered access to the internet and found them and my mum’s parents were actually even worse on social media than i had heard.

    i promise you that in time your child will be grateful that you protected her. the “what if?” in my mind will always be replaced by the fact that my mum did what was right at the time and now.

    just also let your child know when they are older that they are nothing like them. i struggled knowing my family were “bad people” and when i saw photos online seeing how much i looked like them in my teenage years made me think i was going to end up like them.

    keep doing what you’re doing. if you ever need to chat or vent my dm’s are open. the hardest part was breaking contact and breaking that cycle and you’re doing just fine.

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