Last year about this time, I had an interesting dream. It was a large b-day party. There were a ton of gifts in the front of the room, all for me. I was estatic that so many people had come to the party and had brought all this stuff for me. But then I thought that there would be somethign in that pile that I wouldn’t like getting. If I was to unwrap that gift, whoever got me that would realize that I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to dissapoint anyone so I told everyone to take their gifts back. I refused to accept any gifts.
I have always felt that there’s this expectation for me to do something uber-exciting or that i HAVE to enjoy my birthday. This divides me. One part of me just wants this holiday (and all other holidays) to be “just another day of business”. Then I can’t dissapoint anyone for any reason. I know, though, that if my b-day was “just another day”, like it has been for the last few years, then i’ll only be dissapointing myself and feel like i’ve been left out and cheated. I can’t win; my internal conflict will never be resolved.
All in all, though, today was a pretty good day. It was a georgous day! Like that dream I had a long time ago about the afterlife being an ocean beach with the bright sunlight. I also got to watch a really good movie (Click, the new movie by Adam Sandler). I dont think I should have gone to see a romantic comedy with an ex-girlfriend though. It’s just too weird being close to her physically, but having to keep an emotional distance. I’m so afraid that I’ll do something to rip open that wound. My fear just makes me emotionally dead inside and manifests physical sickness.
I could just roll with it, like we did for fireworks, but then i’d do something stupid like i did before.
Anyway, if you left a message or called me, thanks again for thinking of me on my birthday. I wish i could react in a normal way to those, but i’ve got these internal conflicts and I’m not quite sure what the normal way is.
Oh, and I think my Uncle is going to take my bro, friend, and I out to a “gentleman’s club”. I really think that’s going to make me uncomfortable and I dont think I want to go. I’m not the type of guy to get anything out of strange women taking off their clothes. I imagine i’ll just shut myself down and ignore it.
Baka! The workings of my brain make me want to throw up!